Understanding and Overcoming Shame

Understanding Shame

Shame is a complex emotion that everyone experiences, to greater or lesser extents, in one's life. It can stem from various sources, such as personal and/or professional failures, societal expectations, or past traumas. Understanding the root of one's shame is the first step toward overcoming it. But, it can be decades of an unwelcome journey. 

People often confuse shame with guilt. While guilt is feeling bad about something you did, shame is feeling bad about who you are as a person, at your core, to your core. This distinction is important because it affects how one might approach these negative emotions. People should be allowed to make mistakes. This is what it is to be human. They should recognise their mistakes, address them and atone for them. But, they should also be free of that black cloak of shame if they do so. A fall from grace can be publicly spectacular, but behind this fall is a human being. There are many reasons people behave or don't behave as we expect and we can't possibly know them unless we engage with someone.  

We daily pass down-and-out people on the street, in car parks, under bridges, in parks. Every single one of them has a story. Every single one of them is a human being. Not every one of them, perhaps, is a 'nice' person who we might wish to bring home, but our experience is that shame is a common denominator in their lives.  

Shame can be enormously debilitating. It can hinder your personal growth and affect your relationships with family, friends, colleagues and even random people you meet in a cafe and strike up a conversation with. Recognising its impact is crucial for well-being.

Journaling can help you track these triggers. Write down your feelings and the circumstances that led to them. Over time, patterns may emerge that can guide you in addressing the root causes.

Talking to a trusted friend or therapist can also provide insights. They can offer a different perspective and help you see things more clearly.

Shame often stems from negative beliefs about oneself. These beliefs can be deeply ingrained and hard to change. However, challenging them is essential for overcoming shame. Start by questioning the validity of these beliefs. Are they based on facts or assumptions? Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations. This process takes time but can significantly improve your self-esteem.

Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Whether it's a hobby, exercise, or volunteering, positive experiences can help counteract negative beliefs. 

Another way is to practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Self-compassion can soften the harsh inner critic that fuels shame.

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can also help. They teach you to stay present and not get overwhelmed by negative emotions.

Professional help, such as therapy, can provide you with tools and strategies to manage shame. Therapists are trained to help you navigate complex emotions and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you are committed to improving your well-being and the well-being of those around you. 

"The most important things are the hardest things to say."