'IS-Abel: An Inspiring Story of Survival and Hope Through Northern Ireland’s Care System'

We've a catch up Zoom with the wonderful Isabel Kelly this afternoon so figured a little reminder is in order.

Her book, titled 'IS-Abel: An Inspiring Story of Survival and Hope Through Northern Ireland’s Care System', is a memoir detailing the author's experiences growing up in Northern Ireland's care system. Born in 1971 and placed in care at four months old, Isabel recounts her challenging childhood in institutions and foster homes, marked by trauma, abuse, and neglect, yet interwoven with moments of kindness and resilience.

The narrative also covers her journey to higher education, personal relationships, the struggles of starting her own family after multiple miscarriages, and her eventual reconciliation with her past through forgiveness and faith. The book concludes with a reflection on her resilience, her work to help others, and interviews with key figures in her life, offering a multifaceted view of her path to belonging and overcoming adversity. It is a wonderfully positive book because, in it, she explores several profound and interconnected themes, primarily centred on her experiences within Northern Ireland's care system and her journey towards healing and self-discovery. Here are the key themes as I see them:

• The Harsh Realities and Systemic Failings of the Care System Isabel's story is fundamentally about the challenges of being brought up in Northern Ireland's care system. Isabel was abandoned by her mother at four months old and, along with her siblings, surrendered to the State's embrace at just four months old by her overwhelmed father. A major theme is the early abandonment and separation from her biological family, which Isabel describes as "early-life adversity".

• She endured physical and emotional abuse during her time at Nazareth Lodge, a children's home. She recalls being frequently punished, including being hit and having lights turned off as punishment, exploiting her fear of darkness. Mealtimes were challenging, with children often underfed and undernourished. The system also demonstrated failures in maintaining accurate personal details, such as the incorrect spelling of her name (Isobel vs. Isabel) on her passport, which had a "lifelong effect" on her identity.

• A significant systemic failing was the lack of support and help for care leavers transitioning to independent living. Isabel highlights that she was "offered no help and support" when she left foster care at 23, facing financial difficulties and housing instability. She also reveals that the Belfast Health and Social Care Trust failed to inform her of her mother's death for nearly two years, and later admits "failings of the Health Trust" regarding communication. Isabel reflects on the system failing both her and her mother.

• Profound Emotional and Psychological Trauma. The instability and early disruptions in Isabel's life resulted in "a series of traumatic emotional reactions throughout her childhood, teen years and into adulthood". She experienced "profound anxiety and emotional detachment" and lived in a constant state of "hyper-vigilance, vulnerability, fearfulness and worry". She struggled with "insecurity, rejection and jealousy", leading to "lingering feelings of low self-worth, loneliness and deep sadness".

• Isabel found it "incredibly difficult to process her emotions" and lacked emotional regulation skills. She carried the "burden of bitterness, anger, and resentment" for a long time. She also found it "incredibly difficult to show love and affection" because she was never given it herself. This changed.

• The Search for Identity and Belonging A central and recurring theme is Isabel's "struggles for identity and belonging". The misspelling of her name deeply impacted her sense of self, as she felt her name gave her "identity and attachment to a family I was estranged from". She intensely struggled with the concept of belonging, feeling "wedged out" from her foster family as it grew and experiencing a "desperate feeling of emptiness and needing to belong" after leaving care. She felt stigmatized as a "foster child", leading to feelings of "shame, rejection and embarrassment".

• Resilience, Courage, and Transformation. Despite the immense challenges, Isabel's journey is one of "resilience, courage and hope" and the "human spirit's indomitable will to thrive". She emerged stronger, more resilient, and determined to carve out a life filled with hope and possibility. Her "unwavering determination prevailed". Even after failing her O' Levels and GCSEs twice, she became the first foster child in the Down and Lisburn Trust to graduate at university level. Her "unwavering determination and zest to do well" eventually paid off.

• Isabel actively sought to understand and manage her trauma through counselling, self-reflection, and changing her mindset. She made conscious efforts to relearn emotional expression, such as showing affection and accepting praise. She "transformed her life once filled with uncertainty into one of purpose and fulfilment".

• The Power of Forgiveness and Faith. Isabel's narrative highlights the "transformative power of forgiveness". She carried the "burden of bitterness, anger, and resentment" for decades and wished she had "forgiven her abusers and detractors sooner". Through counselling and a renewed connection with faith, she learned that forgiveness is about "releasing them to God and letting go of its hold on us". This process helped her to "feel better about myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and to have healthier relationships".
• Her journey also includes a return to faith, which she describes as God literally reaching into her life and telling her to return to Mass. This rediscovery of faith provided her with hope and purpose, helping her to let go of anger and resentment towards those who caused her suffering. She actively engages in her faith, finding it an integral part of her life.

• The Importance of Love, Connection, and Family (Biological & Chosen). Isabel had a deep longing for a mother's love and comfort. Her attempts to connect with her biological mother were often disappointing due to her mother's severe mental health problems. Similarly, her efforts to forge a relationship with her biological father were thwarted by his alcoholism and detachment. She grieved the absence of both parents in her life and her children's lives.

• Despite these challenges, Isabel found love and built a supportive family with her husband, Roy, who became her "absolute rock" and source of "inspiration, encouragement and influences". She learned to navigate trust issues in her relationship with Roy, understanding their roots in her childhood trauma. She prioritised creating a "secure, nurturing and loving environment" for her own children, compensating for what she lacked. The book also highlights the importance of "chosen family" and friends who provided unconditional acceptance and support.

In essence, Isabel Kelly's "IS-Abel" is a testament to overcoming profound early-life adversity and institutional trauma through unyielding resilience, a tenacious pursuit of self-improvement, the transformative power of forgiveness and faith, and the enduring strength found in building loving and supportive relationships, both blood-related and chosen. What a book!

-Conor MacGiolla Bhuí, MSc. ShadowScript Publications. ©